Jean's 宇宙記錄

其實我也沒少寫，只是在不同的平台，寫的字數很少。

但是驚覺自己現在〝吸收〞的多，〝抒發〞的少，沒什麼貢獻也不好。還是要有好習慣，僅可能一天一則比較好。

今天有了點心得，需要記下，隨時提醒自己的。

Dear E&A,
Happy Lantern Festival. It is also the date last year that I begin my first vipassana course. I am sooooooooo grateful  :D
I had a a wonderful "cooking holiday" there (and I got this new year resolution to go to a cooking class)

在舖臥舖，叫阿咪去幫忙。

我想，得？／總算？／終於？自己睡大覺了～

夢裡身分是學生。看到這天有三場演講題目，其中兩場對我來說很難取捨。我先到ａ看看精彩與否再說，ａ是外國講者談十個不同國籍的文化與歷史。

--

進了圓弧型教室，講者已在講台上，我便頭低低地向較高階梯的位子移動。看到目光專注在講者的Clare，我又驚又喜地就坐在她身邊。坐定之後，我看到在講台右手邊第二排上坐了梅子，她還是那股青春氣息，罩著淺色襯衫下是黑T和牛仔褲。旁邊是她的友人，我不認識。

兩件事。

一早發生了與電信公司對帳的事。早先也有類似的事情發生，我因此謹記在心，不想被占便宜，於是口氣並不好。雖然我也知道對方不過是客服，但是對這個機構的不滿實在是很需要發洩…我不願等待，我甚至不說謝謝。阿咪念我了，她說，請人幫忙道謝又不會少一塊肉。我還自以為是的說，要是他們發錯帳單擾民呢？他們也不會送我禮物啊。後來，我想了一下，不管是否為人師表，為什麼我要如此言行不一，當個我不想成為的雙面人呢？為什麼我要逮到機會就盛氣臨人呢？又為什麼有時我又戴上温和客氣的面具呢？這對我有什麼好處呢？感恩節，我不是送了幾個朋友感謝嗎。感恩節一過，我又故我了。對不起，青小姐。謝謝你，在感恩節後為我上了一課。

原本是無事一身輕的週五。不過，和w有約；原本也會去健身房醒澡一下，就改在家裡進行吧。決定洗頭，就算晚上會再跑一趟健身房再吹一次頭也無妨，想清爽地出門。選了紅色的shirt上身，穿得挺有樣子，準備過這無大事的一天。就在下午，接到case的來電。原來，把自己準備好，機會就上門了…

1027 重温好久沒有的一個人地盤的滋味。

這天中午收到關於易的案子，這天早早整理好，敷上面膜，躺在床上聽有聲書。可惜，網路收訊太差，我也沒有足夠的精神保持清明，很快地就睡睡醒醒，甚至還覺得心理壓力好大，因為聲音斷斷訊訊的，真是受難。將所有電器用品—電腦和手機關上後是11：18分，好久沒有這麼早早睡覺，實在難得。

結果，我夢見自己…

夢見和強弟和強見面。

強弟草草地吃完飯後就離開了，雖然我也有著離開的時間，但是我還是跟著他走了一段。邊走邊問，你和你哥都不一同行動嗎？他說，不，因為他哥都會告訴他有其他的事，要分開走。久了就習慣了。他還繞到某個像市場的地方，撿了塊小木頭。就在目送他趕上公車前，我說，要找個是好朋友的人當女朋友喔！

夢中的我正玩樂著呢。回來位置上，發現手機在響…慌亂之中，我希望不要漏接，我可不想回撥啊﹗理耳機線時仍舊忙亂，於是先按下接通鍵，對著耳機說了聲〝喂〞。

坐下來定神準備說話呢，對方的聲音還不是透過電話聽得很清楚，我知道那是二姨，小時候感覺很兇的一個長輩，但長大之後卻覺得她又不是那麼兇了…但是，我心裡還有疙瘩，只聽她說，妹妹啊，你不是人在外面嗎？誰誰誰（表哥？）要怎麼了…因著疙瘩，我不打算回答她，也在夢裡立刻掛上電話。

夢裡的我，想到外婆。知道這樣的舉動會讓外婆遺憾…夢醒了，我還是沒有勇氣。我不想讓她們覺得我又可以受她們的擺佈，我不想再受到他們的影響。

不知道俯看的是誰，但當時有個想法是自己在作夢，所以要找到手。

需要一些練習的夢，這算個里程碑吧﹗

其實一開始的落差感受很大。彷～彿從天堂落入凡間，其實不過就是地點沒有第一次的開闊，房間不是小木屋，一個人獨享而是要與其他人共用，連沐浴都還有時間表。（頭一天我就感受到遠方射來的灼熱目光，意思是，接下來幾天你要是還敢插隊的話⋯要你好看﹗）而禪堂的空間又是那麼小，第一天晚上還發現我們的位置錯排了，後來我的位置除了空氣不流通外，右側的人每次呼氣都讓我好想暈倒，不然就是打瞌睡不要醒來吧⋯

總之，帶著不那麼喜悅的心情開始了第二次獨自的內在旅行。

結果是the benefit of dhamma outweights all the other inconveniences.....這回沒有第一次的大驚奇，不過受到一句話的啟發：每一次都像第一次﹗的確，每回都能有感動與體會！！不過我寫下來的心情不如第一次那麼地激動，就以彈點，分類式的記錄如下了。

I am a bit anxious, i know. as the qualification test is around the corner while i still cannot manage to make words come as fast as possible...... even worse, do i understand what i heard????? if that gets wrong, the rest would be misleading output.

LISTENING, is more than what I thought.

Therefore, I am kinda stressed. the muscles around my neck are now tighten again. I felt the pain when I fell asleep on the commuting trip. As I have learned the relationship between angry and the pain around my neck muscles, I got angry in the ngiht dream. (as i woke up, the dream was still sharp but after 2 hours of "nap" it is gone again....) i had a quarrel with my sister...

Lately I often have dreams. Unlike the blood red eyes one, this time it involves E,A, and O.

We are in E's I-House. And we are playing a "global mapping" game. On the world map, there are several cities marked. What we do is to name a city and use a special kind of device to see whether it is our own image in this place (person+place=photo) E made some efforts to make our image photos become transparent so that we have to utilize this device to find things out.

When it is my turn, I picked Sydney, Australia. In the dream me, I am thinking it is where E has been to, but I haven't yet.... let's see if I am here. And I find E scanned the photo I used for international student card (with a purple shirt). I remember my own image much more than the place. But I am in my choice.

100724

我在搖滾核心區﹗﹗（另一個 in the flow 的經驗﹗）

100722

I often felt mad in the dreams recently, no matter I sit during commute  or lay down on my bed. I think that is because of the neck problem. Angers, I hope through these dreams, both mentally and physically I can feel better. Gradually...

There are more than one dream last night, one is about a trip to Palestine. At that beginning, I only know the flight route: from asia to america and then.... i got to know it is palestine. How interesting, the crossroad of time and space. Well, maybe i should drop a line to my israeli friends....

發自肺腑的真激賞，總是會上達天聽。或許出現得不是那麼立即，但是每每它的出現只能再再地叫我感到神奇。

我想找個書法老師。因為曾經受過好的老師指導，明白自己的需要，拜師學藝一事，我很謹慎。老師其實不少啊，除了看看老師們的墨寶和字帖收藏外以及實際地去上幾堂課外，基本上沒有什麼其他的方法可以評量了。

巧的是，我就這麼地遇見了。一開始，聽她分享買筆的心得，後來知道她也在授課。與我的進修地相去不遠，時間也能配合外，她大喇喇像男人的個性、感覺和我有點對拍的急性子、說話幽默，在授課心得上她說每個人的個性不同，所選的筆也有所不同（很有道理啊！）等等⋯我就上課去了。上課時看她寫字好似筆與人合體了般的行雲流水，展現出力與美。這證明我的直覺對了！

Hi c,

2 hours no longer in my schedule long time ago ... I feel bad about it although I try to attend to mind for whatever I do.

I was asked whether i am a designer when taking a photo of color and material demo of chairs. I am not (yet), but it is a pleasure to be mistaken for!

i was actually not that yet to arrive for the speech, however, the speech was already finished. the speaker was surrrounded by many: to b-talk to him, to take a picture with him...i was thinking to have a name card then go, but he just cannot find his name cards... what a pity, i think.. then I just marked down the name of his studio.. it doesnt make much sense if i asked a card but know nothing about his presentation anyway...

because amimi forgot to bring her mobile, we ended up with waiting for each other by... chance. while i was waiting for her, i read the vipassana book that i bought but not finish yet.

I have a glimpse of the beauty of meditation, because of it, I begin feeling every cell of mine is dancing... well, or say feeling they are lazy as the bigger I generally feel.

It has been a month since my first day to an amazing journey, to attend to mind and to be liberated through vipassana.

I keep practicing after the course as I made a great determination on the-11th-day discourse because I have learned a great deal in 10 days and felt the teachers practice what they preach. However, meditation is not as productive as it was in the center. My mind is even wilder even though I can easily make it to sit one hour, but if I cannot control the mind, sitting doesn't mean much. Well, I know it is a process...

Last weekend, a girlfriend asked, "your legs look tanner, is that because you went trekking with shorts?" I am tanner, true. But I wore long pants when go trekking. I said so. But this question made me think "if not because of trekking, then how did I get tanned?" This morning practice, I realized that I usually tucked my pants@ great determination hours. In the afternoons, the sunshine, though not torching, still made people wanna find a shadow....